Selfish
by GregRox
Summary: I've sacrificed my happiness for him and I can't help but wonder. Why couldn't I have been selfish? EC Angst. Calleigh's POV.


**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. So if you want to sue me go ahead. All I can give you is my laptop and the first five seasons of CSI Miami. **

It's because I never let him in. I was too scared to let anyone in and caught up in my silly notion he would be around forever. And because I let myself believe that I get to watch someone else walk up the aisle, in a dress that should be mine, carrying flowers that should be mine and smiling at a man who should be mine. If only I would've realised that before it was too late.

I feel so stupid. This girl, who I barely know, is getting** my** happily ever after because I was too selfish to realise what was right in front of me. I feel like I'm watching all of this from far away, Eric smiling and standing at the alter, the **tall, brunette** walking towards him, dressed in white. I can't help but feel insanely jealous, she knew what she had an she didn't let go. If only I'd realised sooner what I'd be giving up when I gave Jake that second chance…

Such a small insignificant decision changed my life forever. I've lost my forever… I get the run down house, the endless supply of cats and enough regrets to write a New York Times bestseller. Eric and this girl will get the white picket fence, the swing set, the grandchildren and the plots side by side in the graveyard. All the jealousy I feel towards them is completely justified. I'm trapped in a bad romantic comedy but Eric won't say the wrong name, he won't say he can't do it; he won't file for divorce because he married the wrong girl. And the thing that hurts the most is that I'm right and he doesn't even realise how hard it is for me to see this.

I wonder if I'd be better off transferring to another place… never having to see Eric again. But I know I can't do that. There's the smallest chance that I might end up with my happily ever after and I could never let that slip by.

I'm lost in my thoughts but the procession continues… the world has no pity for me. Nor should it. I gave up my chance and this is my destiny. It's sad and it's depressing but it was my choice. When I made the choice I wasn't truly aware of the potential outcome but I still chose it. I've doomed myself to life I don't want and I have no one to blame but myself. I had so many chances but I let them all slip away… and I can only blame myself. It sucks and it's completely unfair but its life. I can't change it now. I'm in love with a man who doesn't love me back. He did, at one point; he thought I was the one. But I wasn't so sure, I was afraid and I hid behind Jake and work and now he's found someone better. I'm truly and irrevocably in love with someone whose found their other half elsewhere.

Now she's standing at the altar and they both have wide smiles stretched across they're faces. Everyone in the church looks so happy, everyone but me… A fake smile is plastered across my face and I know the one person who could see through it won't. He doesn't have to… I wish I could blame someone for this, for all the pain I'm feeling, for taking away what I never knew I had… but I can't. My brain is like a revolving door… all I can think is that I have no one to blame but myself. And it's true. Over and over again I think it. And I wonder if I'll ever be free of this regret. I wonder if I'll ever find someone else to love. I don't think I will. But I can't help and wonder if Eric really loves this girl. He says he does, he obviously thinks he does… but does he truly love her? With every bit of his soul? If he feels about me the way I feel about him… I'll never know. So all I can do is wonder. It's all I have left… my head truly is a revolving door… the same depressing train of thought being wondered about over and over… or maybe a washing machine would be more suitable… a washing machine goes round and round and round till someone shuts it off… sort of like your brain I guess. Even my analogies are depressing. But it's either depressing analogies and thoughts or actually watching what's going on up there… and slowly but surely my eyes shift up to the altar.

They're standing close together, smiling and it seems as if you couldn't find two happier people. My heart breaks a little more every time I look at them because it's so obvious they're in love. Their eyes sparkle when they look at each other and they just have that… glow. They've found something in each other that they'll never let go of. And every time I think my heart can't break anymore it does. It's not just that they're in love but that he is in love with her. When it seemed like for so long that the only person Eric would ever love was me… Or maybe that was just wishful thinking and imagination on my part. I'll never know. But I do know now that regardless of how he really feels about me, whatever we might have had is just a dream. A fantasy, something that will never occur in reality because of a few stupid, misguided choices.

They say one moment can change your life forever and I know it's true. There were so many moments when my life changed completely. So many that derailed my hopes and dreams, temporarily at least, so many that changed me as a person but there has never been a moment quite like today. Today I'm discovering things I'd never dreamed of. I can see my whole future flash before my eyes and it's not as pretty or happy as I would like to think. It's no fairy tale. This entire future that I can see isn't what I truly want but because of one moment, which one it was I can only imagine, my fairy tale ending was snatched away. It's a cruel twist of fate but it's one that I'm sure others have and will be subjected to. Not everyone gets a happily ever after, a white picket fence, a man to love and to cherish for all eternity. And as of this moment I'm one of them.

I'd always wondered why some people ended up the way they did, alone and full of regrets but I think I understand now. It's better not to love than to love someone you can't have or to pretend to love someone else. They would rather be alone than live a life that isn't truly there's. It seems like something out of a tragic TV movie but its reality isn't it? There are people who live their lives and die alone. They miss out on love and many of them become bitter and spiteful. I hate to think of myself ending up that way. I could deal with being alone but I don't think I could live with being bitter about it.

I'm just going to have to accept it and move on. I have my friends and I have the team and although I no longer have Eric, at least not in the way I used to, I can still lead a perfectly good life. Part of me can't help but wish I'd been selfish at one point and told Eric how I really felt because maybe then I wouldn't be sitting in this church right now in the tight, Uncomfortable gown. Maybe I'd be standing at the altar gazing into his brown eyes so full of love and I'll now it's all for me. It's just a fantasy but it's mine and it's all I'll ever have and even though I'll probably be happy again and there's the smallest chance that I will love again I know that the heartbreak I feel right now will never fade completely. Now matter where I am or who I'm with or what I'm doing. This pain and this regret will always follow me wherever I shall go. It's not fair but it's what I've got. I'll have to make the best of it and just learn to live with it. I'm sure I will eventually but right now it sucks and it hurts and even if I know its necessary pain I just want it to all disappear. But I am going to learn to live with it and be happy and I am going to try my hardest to fill the void. I am going to let go of Eric and I am going to move on. Even if I can't help wishing I had been selfish.

I can hear the minister droning on in his flat monotone voice and I know it's only a matter of minutes before Eric and her, become Mr. and Mrs. Delko. He's radiant right now. The smile stretched across his face is reserved for her and only her; I can feel all the resolutions I've made fade to dust. I am so in love with this man and he'll never know it. He'll never say it back to me. Every time I think about how much I love this man, how many times I say it, I'll never get anything in return. He's no longer mine to have and I am going to have to accept that sooner or later. He loves this girl and she loves him and I want him to be happy. It hurts more than you can imagine that he won't be happy with me but he will be happy. My heart is pounding in my chest and my mouth is dry and I feel tired and dizzy but none of it compares to the pain I feel in my heart. I feel like I'll never see the sunlight and all the goodness in the world again. I'm suffocating in the darkness but then I see the smile on his face when he told me he was engaged… he cares about me and even though he doesn't love me, he does care.

The minister is asking Eric if he will take Katelynn Sawyer to be his lawfully wedded wife and for a moment he looks out onto the crowd and our eyes meet and I know he can see right through me in this moment. He knows exactly how I feel and he may even feel then same. But I nod my head and give him the fake smile he's seen so many times that he probably believes it to be genuine and he turns back Kate and the minister and he says I do. And I've given him up for good. I've sacrificed my own happiness and wellbeing for him. If I can do that then I can get past this and I can love again. Eric will always be the only man I **truly** love but there may be someone out there who I could love… never as much as Eric but enough to feel happy. I hope I'll find someone to love, never as much as Eric, but at least someone to make me happy. I know it probably will never happen and I can deal with that but I can't help but wonder. Why couldn't I have been selfish?

_Fin._

**Alright this is just my take on what might happen if Calleigh doesn't get her butt into motion and do something about the fact that Eric's like completely in love with her. So no flames. I don't want it to happen either. But pleeeeease pleeeeease review :)****.**


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